It's okay not to be okay
by adeline-lefevre
Summary: What if Bella, Edward and all the others didn't survive the Volturi attack in BD. What if Renesmee and Jacob managed to run away. This is a fiction about just that. And about love, hate and frendship. Rated: T because of violence and language.
1. Prologue  Bloodthirst

_Renesmee reached for Edward, and he took her in his arms. They hugged each other tightly._

_His face twisted with pain. Had that been the expression on my face when I'd finally put together Alice's clues?_

_Jacob was growling quietly, a low rasp that was as even and unbroken as a purr._

_His hackles were stiff and his teeth exposed._

_Edward kissed Renesmee's forehead and both her cheeks, then he lifted her to Jacob's shoulder. She scrambled agilely onto his back, pulling herself into place with handfuls of his fur, and fit herself easily into the dip between his massive shoulder blades._

_Jacob turned to me, his expressive eyes full of agony, the rumbling growl still grating through his chest._

_"__You're the only one we could ever trust her with," I murmured to him. "If you didn't love her so much, I could never bear this. I know you can protect her, Jacob."_

_He whined again, and dipped his head to butt it against my shoulder._

_"__I know," I whispered. "I love you, too, Jake. You'll always be my best man."_

_A tear the size of a baseball rolled into the russet fur beneath his eye._

_Edward leaned his head against the same shoulder where he'd placed Renesmee._

_"__Goodbye, Jacob, my brother… my son."_

_The others were not oblivious to the farewell scene. Their eyes were locked on the silent black triangle, but I could tell they were listening._

_"__Is there no hope, then?" Carlisle whispered. There was no fear in his voice. Just determination and acceptance._

_"__There is absolutely hope," I murmured back._

_It could be true, I told myself. "I only know my own fate."_

_Edward took my hand. He knew that he was included. When I said my fate, there was no question that I meant the two of us. We were just halves of the whole._

_Esme's breath was ragged behind me. She moved past us, touching our faces as she passed, to stand beside Carlisle and hold his hand._

_Suddenly, we were surrounded by murmured goodbyes and I love you's._

_"__If we live through this," Garrett whispered to Kate, "I'll follow you anywhere, woman."_

_"__Now he tells me," she muttered._

_Rosalie and Emmett kissed quickly but passionately._

_Tia caressed Benjamin's face. He smiled back cheerfully, catching her hand and holding it against his cheek._

_I didn't see all the expressions of love and pain. I was distracted by a sudden fluttering pressure against the outside of my shield._

_I couldn't tell where it came from, but it felt like it was directed at the edges of our group, Siobhan and Liam particularly. The pressure did no damage, and then it was gone._

_There was no change in the silent, still forms of the counseling ancients. But perhaps there was some signal I'd missed._

_"__Get ready," I whispered to the others. "It's starting."  
*_

__I concentrated on keeping the shield intact, but I couldn't help but look towards Jacob and my daughter. Jacob's big, brown eyes looked into mine one last time. I inhaled deeply, letting the air gush into my lungs. I thought as a vampire you weren't supposed to feel pain. Despite that, I did. The pain I felt wasn't just located in my heart; it was in all of my body.

He wiped off a wolf tear with his paw and backed a few steps before he turned around and started to run away. Renesmee's bronze colored hair bounced in the wind. When the two of them almost were out of my sight, she turned around and looked at me. The pain grew more intense as her sad chocolate brown eyes met mine. I knew I wouldn't survive. I wouldn't survive, cause the Volturi would kill us all. I knew that even if I did survive, I would never find Renesmee again, and I wouldn't be able to live without her. I wanted to kill. I wanted to rip those Volturi's to pieces. I wanted to see their non-existing blood pour out from their veins. I wanted to see their agony because they had come and ruined this perfection of a life. Renesmee and Jacob was now gone. And I would never see them again.

The second attack hit my shield. I grabbed Edward's hand as he pulled me closer. This attack was directed towards Emmett. I looked at our enemies thoroughly and then I noticed who tried to hurt Emmett. Jane. Her little childish face with her red eyes made me so angry right now. I saw her get more frustrated every second as her attack didn't succeed. I started to relax as I realized that **they couldn't get through. **But I shouldn't have. I suddenly spotted a tiny hole in the fog that portrayed my shield. I don't know if Alec saw the hole or if it only was luck, but a fog darker than my shield slowly crept inside. I couldn't stop it. It was too hard. I was not strong enough. I tried to shut it out but it was impossible.  
"Please. Aro. I just want to be with the ones I love.", I begged and looked at the old one. He gave me a sad little smile and tilted his head to his right.  
"I'm sorry dear. You have broken the law.", he said as the darkness approached us. Siobhan and Liam suddenly dropped down on the wet grass. Then Carlisle. Esme. Rosalie in Emmett's arms and then Emmett himself. They were blinded. Soon it was only me and Edward left. He hugged me tight and we approached the darkness together. 


	2. Chapter two

**Chapter one – Repelled by hatred**

_One week later_**  
**He pulled up the zipper on the tiny orange tent. He peeked inside. Renesmee was still sleeping.

Her curly hair was spread out all over her little pink pillow that Jacob had brought for her. That pillow meant a great deal for Renesmee. Bella had made it for her. It was the last thing she had from her mother.

The little girl didn't know she never would meet her parents again. Jacob watched her adoringly. 

Jacob saw that Renesmee was dreaming. He saw her eyes moving under her eyelids and slowly a little beautiful smile appeared on her lips. She started to move in her sleeping bag and her smile disappeared. She gasped and flinched. Jacob saw that she suffered so he tried to waken her. He put his big, warm hand at her cheek. 

"Ness?" he whispered.  
Renesmee twisted and moaned in her sleep. Jacob remembered she used to sleep very calmly and quietly. Suddenly Renesmee's eyes flashed open. 

"Jakey!" she gasped. "I saw the people in the black coats." She started to sob. Jacob couldn't stand seeing little Nessie cry. He reached for her and lifted her up in his lap. He hugged her tightly and rocked her back and forth.  
"Shh…" Jacob hushed her. "It's going to be okay."

"I want my mum!" Renesmee sobbed.  
"I know, I know. I want Bella too." he said.  
"Why isn't she coming back? Why isn't daddy coming back?" Renesmee asked. Jacob was heartbroken. How could he possibly explain to Renesmee that her family was dead without upsetting her? Jacob wouldn't be able to live with the fact that he had upset Nessie. Instead of saying anything, he wiped her tears off her cheeks and kissed her forehead. 

"We will be all right, I promise. Everything will be okay." Jacob soothed her. Jacob suffered. Jacob suffered because Renesmee suffered. Jacob suffered because he had lost his whole family. Just as he had got everything he needed. He had his friends in his pack, he had Bella and the Cullens and… he had his imprint. Well, Jacob was actually glad it turned out the way it did. Of course he wasn't glad that his family and friends had died, but he was glad they died instead of Renesmee. If Renesmee had died, Jacob wouldn't be able to continue living.  
"Jakey? Who were those people?" Renesmee stuttered.  
"They are really mean." Jacob said shortly, with hate in his voice.  
"Did they… kill the others?" she asked, her chocolate brown eyes looking into Jacob's.  
"I don't know, sweetie. I don't know." Jacob whispered. Jacob was telling the truth. He had no idea if the others actually were dead. He just didn't want to hope for something he wouldn't get. He didn't want Renesmee to do that either.  
"We have to go find them Jake!" Renesmee shouted. "We can't just let the mean guys hurt them." She stretched her hand towards Jacob's face and touched his cheek. An image suddenly appeared inside Jacob's head.

He spotted Bella, Edward and all the others standing just like they did the last time he saw them. Edward was hugging Bella tightly as the Volturi in their black coats slowly approached them. He saw the witnesses run away; he saw Sam and the other wolves step in front of the Cullens. Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Carlisle and Esme placed themselves next to the wolves. The Volturi with Aro in the front got closer and then suddenly stopped.  
"_Please, I just want to be with the ones I love" _Bella said.  
"_I'm sorry dear. You have broken the law"_ Aro said with a smirk. Renesmee removed her hand.

Jacob gasped and looked at her.  
"Nessie… We can't go back there. It's not safe for you." Jacob explained and patted her head.  
"You can protect me?" the little girl whispered. Jacob smiled a little and shook his head.  
"I know I'm strong, but they're too many, honey. I cannot risk your life." he said.  
"Okay…" she muttered. "But what if they're not dead?"  
"I know, I know. But the people in the black coats will come after you if we go back." Jacob sighed.  
"Come after me? Why?" Renesmee asked, looking confused.  
"Because you're very special, cutie. They have never seen anyone like you." Jacob explained.  
"I WANT MY MOM AND MY DAD!", she squealed and jumped out of Jacob's lap. She rushed out of the tent. Jacob followed her. He saw her start running towards the big forest a few feet away.

Renesmee's and Jacob's tent were put up in a little meadow pretty close to Seattle. The first word Renesmee said when they got to the meadow was: beautiful. The wet, green grass was decorated with flowers in every color and the sunlight made the little water drops on the grass shimmer.  
"Ness? Stop.", he begged her as she reached the forest. Since she was half vampire, she ran pretty fast. Jacob ran much faster in wolf form, so he removed his clothes and phased. He ran towards Nessie's scent.

Everything inside Jacob's head was much easier when he was a wolf. But one thing wasn't. The pain was still just as much as it was when he was human. But Jacob couldn't hear any thoughts now but his own. It felt so lonely. He usually heard everyone in his pack, but now it was so quiet. He remembered he used to hate hearing them, but right now he would give anything to hear them again. He knew he never will though. He and Renesmee had to accept that they were all gone and never coming back.


End file.
